Surviving the toxicity

So, this post is a bit different and whether the person it’s aimed at will actually read it is yet to be seen. I was inspired to write this after seeing an article called ‘To anyone who has to break-up with toxic parents – It’s going to be ok.”

For years, the relationship with my Dad hasn’t been that great. It’s ticked on with polite meet-ups, ‘just checking in’ messages and generally, on and off. It was a relationship based on whether he happened to think of us or not. The thing is, things haven’t improved. They have in fact, gotten worse. This may be down to me growing a pair and facing the demons or it might be because the niceties are just too tedious.

My Dad suffers with PTSD. He has done all his life. He had a diagnosis a few years back and joined a ‘charity’ that quite frankly hasn’t really helped him. They did NLP on him and on me which threw up more problems. The thing is, we’re very different people. I’m pretty proactive in trying to understand my condition (BPD), understand what it involves and how I can help myself to feel better. My Dad, he’d rather wallow in self pity. I’ve tried to help, to direct him to people who can help, suggested he go and talk to someone but he shoots me down. He keeps threatening to kill himself and my Stepmum is obviously really worried. The issue is, he’s threatened it so often that it’s no longer a threat. I know that sounds awful and I sound hideous for saying it but I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to help, tired of him not taking anyone else’s feelings into account and tired of not feeling like he wants us.

My abandonment issues come from him. Psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors tell me so. And I know it. I felt like I was trying really hard and he wasn’t. Once, he didn’t get in touch for six months with my sister and me. It was because we didn’t ring first.

So much has happened and I get really angry thinking about it. Especially when my grandmother died (my Dad’s Mum). My sister and I were so close to her. She was the one we went to whenever he messed up, chose a woman over us and phoned us drunk on several occasions. She was pretty much the Dad we never had. She was absolutely my best friend in the world and she’s gone. His response? To give all responsibility of her funeral and passing to me. I obviously would’ve done anything for her. But him? He shirked all responsibility of being a son and a Dad. He did nothing but hide. He moaned about her when she was alive and it was all about him when she was gone.

The anger has simmered for some time. Then, when there were questions about what was wrong with me mentally, I asked him whether he had been diagnosed with Autism or Borderline. His response? ‘I’m not fucking Borderline or Autistic.’ He then rang me in a drunken stupor telling me that he had in fact been diagnosed with Borderline years ago. I’m angry just writing this.

My Stepmum has tried to help but she has also made me feel like everything is my fault. That I should apologise and I should be the one to talk to him. My response? NO. I am not the adult in this relationship and I am not the one who’s in the wrong.

My sister and I have been unlucky with him but so lucky with our amazing Mum and Stepdad who have supported us in everything we’ve done. We are really lucky. They’ve had to listen to what he’s done and be gracious about it. They’ve been there for the heartbreak he caused, the tears and the ‘I told you so’s’.

I’m so angry at him and I’m still 8 years old and upset about him not turning up at the school gates when he should’ve or purposely blanking my sister and me when we saw him with his horrible ex-wife.  Some people will say ‘Stop living in the past’ and they have. Some will think I’m awful for saying what I have but all I say is, you weren’t me. Some will support and for that I thank you. And some will know exactly where I’m coming from.

Thank you for reading and listening.