Sleep is precious. It happens naturally & yet we take the peace of sleep for granted. This is my little pup in her current state of snoozing…
We realise we take sleep for granted when we can’t access it.
In short, I can’t sleep. This is my own fault, however, for 3 reasons:
- I didn’t have time to get my prescription for my anti-psychotics at lunchtime today
- I haven’t taken cocodamol before bed tonight
- The former is because I had some fizz to celebrate Valentine’s Day & can’t take meds’ with it
And the paranoia and anxiety is horrendous. While being in a state of awake & unrest I’ve near-to hyperventilated about the following:
- I’m not going to sleep tonight
- I might fall asleep driving tomorrow & crash my car on the way to work
- Our house will be broken into & I’ll be the only one to save us being the only one awake
- Having withdrawal sweats
- Waking the puppy up (we’ve spent several 4ams out in the dark garden while she ponders going to the toilet)
The anxiety is crippling. For those who get it regularly, you’ll feel my pain. Hot & cold sweats, tension headache, restlessness & impending chest pains. The more I worry about not sleeping, the worse they get.
I realise that I’m incapable of sleep without medication of some kind. I used to ‘get creative’ at 3am a lot more before the meds. It was a weird one to explain to my now fiancé but he accepted it. And he’ll probably have a giggle at me writing a blog at 4am!
I’ve tried so many methods of ‘chilling out’ but I get so frustrated because they don’t work for me. With my BPD, intense moods & wandering mind, meditation is out the window, as is yoga. Our bath water isn’t currently hot enough for long, relaxing soak & the ‘Sleepy Cream’ moisturiser only goes so far. I’ve put lavender on my pillows & have a relaxing bed time playlist (currently on shuffle) but sleep doesn’t come naturally.
The frustration is presenting itself as anxiety chest pains which aren’t helpful & the sweats are unreal. All this because I forgot to go for a walk at lunchtime. Tomorrow (technically today), it’s on my to-do list.
For now, I’ll just keep ‘trying to sleep’ & keeping an eye on the shadows for a friendly neighbourhood burglar. On a plus, ‘Anxious woman takes down thief with a boot’ does have a newsworthy ring to it….