Maybe it’s borderline — Re-blog from to aspie or not to aspie

I imagine this headline sung to the same tune as that age old Maybelline advert. Although I’m writing a lot about autism on this blog, I haven’t had my assessment yet and I still sometimes find myself analysing my symptoms and the equation coming back with borderline personality disorder or bipolar. Sometimes I’m so, so […]

Such a relatable and interesting post from To Aspie or Not to Aspie. Give it a read and follow her too. (Post here Maybe it’s borderline — to aspie or not to aspie)

Shock, horror, it happened again

My poem about and ode to the Daily Prompt: Shock.

I hate it when the record gets stuck and it’s playing on repeat,
When I can hear it blaring the same old thing but I can’t get up out of my seat.
To turn the volume down or stop the noise from sounding,
I’m trying to catch my breath and trying to get my grounding.
While the anxious thoughts are busy whizzing around my brain,
Shock, horror, it’s all happening again.

I hate it when the record gets stuck and it’s playing over and over,
The frustrating sounds that it makes, my brain it runs for cover.
It’s the same old thing, on a different day,
What more can I do, what more can I say?
When it’s spluttering and aggravating my head,
Shock, horror, it’s happening again.

I pluck up the courage to move from my spot,
Turn the screech down and knock the thing off.
Its background noise still fills my mind,
And will continue to do so until I find
A way of drowning the repetition out when,
Shock, horror, it’s happening again.

An undulating thing called ‘Life’

I would love to move through life much more smoothly,

Knowing for sure who I am & who I want to be.

Like anyone else moving patiently through life,

I’m always met with moments of heartache and strife.

The anxiety and depression, they come like waves,

They’re like taunting schoolchildren who will never behave.

The crashes of anger and the sadness it ripples.

These emotions tip up my scales and my balance, it falls.

The unknown of the tide is just one of the battles,

Once it takes hold it’s like nothing else matters.

And yet with the storm comes the surprising calm,

Which causes so many feelings of alarm.

For now, I’ll keep on fighting the continuous typhoon,

Hoping that the scales will rebalance out soon.

Thanks Daily Prompt: Undulate

Does identity stump diagnosis?

This has been circulating in my head. A lot. Ok obsessively. If you identify with something but you’re diagnosed otherwise, is this ok?

Some of you lovely bloggers might have seen my blog about the diagnosis I got from the psychologist when I went for the Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) assessment two weeks back. I was told I was on the border of Aspergers after getting 32/50 on the AQ test but that Alexithymia, Sensory Processing Disorder & severe Social Anxiety were prevalent. I’m basically on the border looking in.

However, thanks to amazing bloggers such as Everyday Aspie, To Aspie or Not to Aspie, Emerging From The Dark Night & That Aspie Lady, I realised I have so much in common with them and can relate to so much of what they blog about.

I chatted with my partner (for about the sixth time) who’s heard me obsess about this for weeks.

When I say ‘obsess’ I mean get upset, get angry, keep asking questions & become agitated that numbers mean I can’t be who I think I am. He said ‘What does it mean if you were? What can you do to help yourself? If you identify with it, it can’t be wrong’. He’s very wise.

He’s also right. If I need to use the same Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) tactics for myself anyway, surely identifying with ASD/Aspergers would be ok?

I agree with him but I don’t want people further along the Spectrum to think I’m just saying it. I really genuinely feel that the number on the test doesn’t truly show the extent of me.

I’m obsessing. I apologise. I know I am. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m reading up on ASD, finding variations of traits, writing examples & sending to the psychologist, Googling, buying lots of books (Amazon are lucky to have me as a customer) & telling my partner for the millionth time all about it, despite him knowing the ins & outs.

It’s like I’m looking for permission from someone to say ‘It’s ok, your 32 counts for something. You are on the Spectrum.’

So, identity vs diagnosis? What are the thoughts? 💭

5 Confessions before 2017 is out…

So, thanks to the WordPress Daily Prompt: Confess, here are my 5 confessions of 2017:

1. I’m not yet a grown up

Yes, I turned 30, my partner and I bought a house & got ourselves a puppy, but I don’t feel like a grown up yet. I’m not sure at what stage you start to feel like one but I’m not there. 2018 will present opportunities to become a human adult but for now, for the last few days of 2017, I’ll continue to prat about as normal.

2. I’m not satisfied with my diagnosis & am going to keep looking for answers

After seeing a psychologist & getting a wishy-washy response, I’m persisting. I know many of you might be thinking that the diagnosis isn’t everything. That may be true for you but not for me, not yet. I was a 32/50 for ASD but technically not Aspergers. But there are so many things I relate to, especially in this blog post by Everyday Aspie.

3. I’ve learned a lot from so many of you so thank you

I’ve been better at reading blogs in the tags they I’m interested in & realised there are so many talented & honest people around. Your beautiful writing & words are amazing to see & I salute you all. Reading your blogs, I’m learning too 🙂

4. I feel rejected by my Dad but I’m working on getting through it

A long, boring 30-year old story of someone who wasn’t here nor there for his kids who now have their own lives & are mad at him. My sister is phenomenal & just gets on with things diplomatically. Me? Not w chance. But, thinking things differently might help me to distance myself from the situation.

5. I just want to feel happier

I’m so lucky to have all the people I do & the support too. Sometimes it overwhelms me & I’d rather shut myself in a quiet room by myself. Christmas Day was fraught with anxiety, stress, panic & anger, purely because of not having alone time or time to chill. The puppy was wired for the 11hrs 23mins I was at my folks’ house. It should’ve been a day of being happy. All I wanted to do was get into bed & be quiet. I will try harder in 2018.

Any confessions from 2017?