Shock, horror, it happened again

My poem about and ode to the Daily Prompt: Shock.

I hate it when the record gets stuck and it’s playing on repeat,
When I can hear it blaring the same old thing but I can’t get up out of my seat.
To turn the volume down or stop the noise from sounding,
I’m trying to catch my breath and trying to get my grounding.
While the anxious thoughts are busy whizzing around my brain,
Shock, horror, it’s all happening again.

I hate it when the record gets stuck and it’s playing over and over,
The frustrating sounds that it makes, my brain it runs for cover.
It’s the same old thing, on a different day,
What more can I do, what more can I say?
When it’s spluttering and aggravating my head,
Shock, horror, it’s happening again.

I pluck up the courage to move from my spot,
Turn the screech down and knock the thing off.
Its background noise still fills my mind,
And will continue to do so until I find
A way of drowning the repetition out when,
Shock, horror, it’s happening again.

An undulating thing called ‘Life’

I would love to move through life much more smoothly,

Knowing for sure who I am & who I want to be.

Like anyone else moving patiently through life,

I’m always met with moments of heartache and strife.

The anxiety and depression, they come like waves,

They’re like taunting schoolchildren who will never behave.

The crashes of anger and the sadness it ripples.

These emotions tip up my scales and my balance, it falls.

The unknown of the tide is just one of the battles,

Once it takes hold it’s like nothing else matters.

And yet with the storm comes the surprising calm,

Which causes so many feelings of alarm.

For now, I’ll keep on fighting the continuous typhoon,

Hoping that the scales will rebalance out soon.

Thanks Daily Prompt: Undulate

There once was a girl allergic to life

When I told my partner the Daily Prompt was ‘Allergic’, he laughed wholeheartedly out loud. Here’s why…

I happen to have a lot of allergies & these sunnies are my besties all year round!

My family & friends think it’s quite funny. Even I think it’s pretty laughable to wear sunglasses in the dark & inside because my eyes are puffed up!

Anyways, always one to take advantage, here’s my little poem about it!

There once was a girl allergic to life,

Dust, pollen, feathers & even to wildlife.

It affected her face & made her sneeze,

Made her ears itch & made her wheeze.

She wore sunglasses in winter & in the rain,

To hide her puffy eyes again & again.

She had shares in Piriton & Benedryl too,

Every month buying 50 packets of tissues.

But still all year round she wears those sunnies inside,

Because she’s the girl who’s allergic to life!

😎🤧😂

Does identity stump diagnosis?

This has been circulating in my head. A lot. Ok obsessively. If you identify with something but you’re diagnosed otherwise, is this ok?

Some of you lovely bloggers might have seen my blog about the diagnosis I got from the psychologist when I went for the Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) assessment two weeks back. I was told I was on the border of Aspergers after getting 32/50 on the AQ test but that Alexithymia, Sensory Processing Disorder & severe Social Anxiety were prevalent. I’m basically on the border looking in.

However, thanks to amazing bloggers such as Everyday Aspie, To Aspie or Not to Aspie, Emerging From The Dark Night & That Aspie Lady, I realised I have so much in common with them and can relate to so much of what they blog about.

I chatted with my partner (for about the sixth time) who’s heard me obsess about this for weeks.

When I say ‘obsess’ I mean get upset, get angry, keep asking questions & become agitated that numbers mean I can’t be who I think I am. He said ‘What does it mean if you were? What can you do to help yourself? If you identify with it, it can’t be wrong’. He’s very wise.

He’s also right. If I need to use the same Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) tactics for myself anyway, surely identifying with ASD/Aspergers would be ok?

I agree with him but I don’t want people further along the Spectrum to think I’m just saying it. I really genuinely feel that the number on the test doesn’t truly show the extent of me.

I’m obsessing. I apologise. I know I am. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m reading up on ASD, finding variations of traits, writing examples & sending to the psychologist, Googling, buying lots of books (Amazon are lucky to have me as a customer) & telling my partner for the millionth time all about it, despite him knowing the ins & outs.

It’s like I’m looking for permission from someone to say ‘It’s ok, your 32 counts for something. You are on the Spectrum.’

So, identity vs diagnosis? What are the thoughts? 💭

5 Confessions before 2017 is out…

So, thanks to the WordPress Daily Prompt: Confess, here are my 5 confessions of 2017:

1. I’m not yet a grown up

Yes, I turned 30, my partner and I bought a house & got ourselves a puppy, but I don’t feel like a grown up yet. I’m not sure at what stage you start to feel like one but I’m not there. 2018 will present opportunities to become a human adult but for now, for the last few days of 2017, I’ll continue to prat about as normal.

2. I’m not satisfied with my diagnosis & am going to keep looking for answers

After seeing a psychologist & getting a wishy-washy response, I’m persisting. I know many of you might be thinking that the diagnosis isn’t everything. That may be true for you but not for me, not yet. I was a 32/50 for ASD but technically not Aspergers. But there are so many things I relate to, especially in this blog post by Everyday Aspie.

3. I’ve learned a lot from so many of you so thank you

I’ve been better at reading blogs in the tags they I’m interested in & realised there are so many talented & honest people around. Your beautiful writing & words are amazing to see & I salute you all. Reading your blogs, I’m learning too 🙂

4. I feel rejected by my Dad but I’m working on getting through it

A long, boring 30-year old story of someone who wasn’t here nor there for his kids who now have their own lives & are mad at him. My sister is phenomenal & just gets on with things diplomatically. Me? Not w chance. But, thinking things differently might help me to distance myself from the situation.

5. I just want to feel happier

I’m so lucky to have all the people I do & the support too. Sometimes it overwhelms me & I’d rather shut myself in a quiet room by myself. Christmas Day was fraught with anxiety, stress, panic & anger, purely because of not having alone time or time to chill. The puppy was wired for the 11hrs 23mins I was at my folks’ house. It should’ve been a day of being happy. All I wanted to do was get into bed & be quiet. I will try harder in 2018.

Any confessions from 2017?

My true calling

If you can’t tell, I’m embracing the Daily Prompts these days. It lets you be so creative & explore new avenues of thought previously unknown. I love reading everyone else’s too! So, here’s my go at ‘Daily Prompt: Calling’

I sit alone awake at night & think of all the times,

My mind has been all a-flutter, a-whizz with lots of rhymes.

Sometimes my thoughts become too much floating in my head,

So I write them down or tap them out before I go to bed.

I feel like poetry is my calling & really helps me breathe,

But most of the time it lurks below the surface, safe & underneath.

Until a time when I let it out & it shows what it can do,

I get out my phone or my notepad & let the creativity sneak right through.

My true calling channels my emotions & helps me feel at ease,

It calms me & my fretting down so that no one ever sees.

What a swan-like person I really am with my faffing feet,

Hiding my anxious mind from most people that I meet.

Big thank you for reading & please post a link to your prompts below. I’d love to see your interpretation! ❤️ (Beautiful image from here)

Today, this is me. Who can relate?

So today, this is me.

Tomorrow, this is most certainly who I’ll be.

But I might be a different version of this me that you see.

Getting this diagnosis, will it set me free?

From not really knowing who or what is me.

I know I should be thinking, what will be will be,

But a mind like mine doesn’t work this way, all emotions there you see.

I know I will be fine, of this we both agree,

I just need to know right now, who or what is me.

To put into context, tomorrow is my evaluation/results with my psychiatrist & I’m very nervous. I know it shouldn’t matter what they tell me but ultimately, it does. It might help to explain ‘me’ better.

Anyone relate to this?

The moral compass

The arrow flies around it’s circumference looking for a secure place,

It doesn’t know where to begin, nor which way it should face.

The decorative arrow spins & the whirring cogs turn,

But still it’s confused & still doesn’t learn.

You throw the contraption around with no real thought,

Instead of looking at your morality & what you’ve been taught.

With your mixed up virtues, values & vice,

You’re not that bothered who ends up paying the price.

And still your moral compass has no direction,

You treat it with so much disregard & no real affection.

Just like the people who exist in your life,

You stab them in the back with your sharpest, most hurtful knife.

If you carry on like this, you realise your compass will leave?

Is this what you were ultimately hoping to achieve?

For now, appreciate your compass & everything you’ve got,

Before one day, you wake up & you’ve lost the lot.

The Daily Prompt- Compass

Poem: There’s nothing like a Legend

‘There’s nothing like a legend to turn your life around,

They help you live the life you want & help you stand your ground.

They shower you with so much love & bucket loads of affection,

The times they’ve been your shining knight, far more than you can mention.

They’re nothing like the films, the plays, and books or on TV,

There’s so much more to them than that, so much everyone else can’t see.

They might not ride around on horses or appear in a puff of a cloud,

Instead they’re disguised as normal people, extraordinary & making you proud.

Legends are supposed to be mythical but real life ones are right there,

Just to give you the whole world & show you that they care.’

Dedicated to a real life legends & altogether amazing people who help me so much. And to one in particular who saves me everyday ❤️

Daily Prompt – Legend

Daily Prompt: Inheritance – Poem

A very random change from the usual but poetry has been so important for my mental health growing up. Love a good poem & a rhyming one at that!

Here goes….

‘You visit old Aunt Mable, sitting in her rocking chair,

Wondering when it’s time to leave and whether she would care.

She’s really not enamoured with your visit or your presence,

As you’re chatting Marksies biscuits and how the weather makes no sense.

She tells you ‘You don’t know how lucky you are’ as you read her the weekly news,

Your parents really stitched you up when they buggered off on their cruise.

They left miserable Aunt Mable in your hands as they went travelling,

Not giving but a second thought to your brain & how it’s frazzling.

‘You need to keep the old bird sweet while she’s counting up her pennies’,

She likes to save them every day, but we just don’t know how many.

We know that you’re her favourite, someone she really likes,

She definitely likes you better than cousins Connie, Jill or Mike. ‘

And while your cunning parents enjoy their time away lapping up the sun,

You’ve been sat for hours with Aunt Mable, oh wait, it’s only been one.’

– Inspired by The Daily Prompt for today!