An undulating thing called ‘Life’

I would love to move through life much more smoothly,

Knowing for sure who I am & who I want to be.

Like anyone else moving patiently through life,

I’m always met with moments of heartache and strife.

The anxiety and depression, they come like waves,

They’re like taunting schoolchildren who will never behave.

The crashes of anger and the sadness it ripples.

These emotions tip up my scales and my balance, it falls.

The unknown of the tide is just one of the battles,

Once it takes hold it’s like nothing else matters.

And yet with the storm comes the surprising calm,

Which causes so many feelings of alarm.

For now, I’ll keep on fighting the continuous typhoon,

Hoping that the scales will rebalance out soon.

Thanks Daily Prompt: Undulate

There once was a girl allergic to life

When I told my partner the Daily Prompt was ‘Allergic’, he laughed wholeheartedly out loud. Here’s why…

I happen to have a lot of allergies & these sunnies are my besties all year round!

My family & friends think it’s quite funny. Even I think it’s pretty laughable to wear sunglasses in the dark & inside because my eyes are puffed up!

Anyways, always one to take advantage, here’s my little poem about it!

There once was a girl allergic to life,

Dust, pollen, feathers & even to wildlife.

It affected her face & made her sneeze,

Made her ears itch & made her wheeze.

She wore sunglasses in winter & in the rain,

To hide her puffy eyes again & again.

She had shares in Piriton & Benedryl too,

Every month buying 50 packets of tissues.

But still all year round she wears those sunnies inside,

Because she’s the girl who’s allergic to life!

😎🤧😂

Mental Health: How to start the conversation

I get told I talk a lot. I’m a prolific chatterer about everything and nothing. So, I decided to put this to good use and talk about something really important… mental health.

I became a Time to Change Champion to go out and talk to people about mental health and hopefully, help to break down the stigma. Sharing your own experiences to help others is really empowering and I’ve met some awesome people doing the same.

(Two awesome ladies I met through Time to Change celebrating my 30th with me ❤️)

I’ve been reading some epic blogs about it and think it’s really brave of these people to share. So thank you for doing that.

Did you know that just by writing a blog you could change someone’s life? Did you know that by asking how someone is can help too?

If you’re not much of a writer but want to help someone, here are some ways to start the conversation:

  1. Hi, how are you?’
  2. ‘How are you feeling?’
  3. ‘I know you’re not feeling so good right now but if you need to talk, I’m here’
  4. ‘Is everything ok? I’m here if you need me’
  5. ‘You’re not on your own, I’m here to listen’
  6. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

Just letting someone know that you’re there for them can really help.

When I get really low, really angry or really upset, my partner always says ‘is there anything I can do to help?’ Most of the time, there isn’t but just letting me know that he’s there, really helps. Because of my Alexithymia, sometimes j can’t even tell what’s happening with my moods. But it’s nice to know someone cares and accepts me.

So this 2018, if you haven’t already, start the mental health conversation. It only takes a ‘How are you?’ to make a difference ❤️

Daily Prompt: Conversation

Hygge, feeling cozy and puppy cuddles

So, I don’t know about you, but I love getting cozy on a cold winters night, armed with hot chocolate, my PJs and our puppy.

I also love the newish concept of ‘Hygge’.It hints at being able to relax and enjoy your own space & time. For someone with anxiety, this can be really hard. I’m constantly on the go. Reading To Aspie or Not to Aspie’s blog about behaving oneself and learning to chill out has made me see that I need to be cozy & cuddle the pup more often. I mean look at its little, furry 4 month old face…

This was our attempt at cozy with my partners sister Ellie, Dominos pizza & Mamma Mia… Except Maisey the fluffy whirlwind had other ideas!

Rules for coziness:

  1. PJs are a must
  2. A cheesy happy film is a goer
  3. Good company, be that your own or someone else’s
  4. Chocolate
  5. Plenty of blankets

We did pretty well tonight at cozy… when we weren’t outside in -1C waiting for our fluffy friend to ‘drop the kids off’!

Via Daily Prompt: Cozy

5 Confessions before 2017 is out…

So, thanks to the WordPress Daily Prompt: Confess, here are my 5 confessions of 2017:

1. I’m not yet a grown up

Yes, I turned 30, my partner and I bought a house & got ourselves a puppy, but I don’t feel like a grown up yet. I’m not sure at what stage you start to feel like one but I’m not there. 2018 will present opportunities to become a human adult but for now, for the last few days of 2017, I’ll continue to prat about as normal.

2. I’m not satisfied with my diagnosis & am going to keep looking for answers

After seeing a psychologist & getting a wishy-washy response, I’m persisting. I know many of you might be thinking that the diagnosis isn’t everything. That may be true for you but not for me, not yet. I was a 32/50 for ASD but technically not Aspergers. But there are so many things I relate to, especially in this blog post by Everyday Aspie.

3. I’ve learned a lot from so many of you so thank you

I’ve been better at reading blogs in the tags they I’m interested in & realised there are so many talented & honest people around. Your beautiful writing & words are amazing to see & I salute you all. Reading your blogs, I’m learning too 🙂

4. I feel rejected by my Dad but I’m working on getting through it

A long, boring 30-year old story of someone who wasn’t here nor there for his kids who now have their own lives & are mad at him. My sister is phenomenal & just gets on with things diplomatically. Me? Not w chance. But, thinking things differently might help me to distance myself from the situation.

5. I just want to feel happier

I’m so lucky to have all the people I do & the support too. Sometimes it overwhelms me & I’d rather shut myself in a quiet room by myself. Christmas Day was fraught with anxiety, stress, panic & anger, purely because of not having alone time or time to chill. The puppy was wired for the 11hrs 23mins I was at my folks’ house. It should’ve been a day of being happy. All I wanted to do was get into bed & be quiet. I will try harder in 2018.

Any confessions from 2017?

Proclivity for the mind

In truth, I did just have to Google what the Daily Prompt: Proclivity actually meant, but thought I’d give it a go.

I have a proclivity for talking about mental health. It’s something I feel passionately about, strongly about & having experience of it, it’s something I have tendency to talk about a lot.

However, since the update to my ‘diagnosis’, I feel a bit like a fraud. I don’t feel ok in my skin. My mind is an unsure, uneven, overwhelmed entity. I feel like I don’t fit into the world I do strongly associate with.

My proclivity for mental health also goes hand in hand with that of my other love, running. It helps clear the fog, gets me away from the annoyance of daily life & lets me breathe. I’ve run the stages (5k,10k, Half Marathon & Marathon), read so many books, have collected running tops, medals etc. It waned for a bit because I was injured but I’m getting back to it by taking part in RED January. ‘RED’ stands for ‘Run Every Day’ – and is to raise money for the mental health charity, Mind.

This will have my focus for the next month. I do have a tendency to launch full force into things & then give up so we’ll see!

What do you have a strong tendency to talk about? What gets you excited?

Torn feelings: A diagnosis

So, finally, after so many years of struggling emotionally and mentally, the psychologist revealed to me today what it is that’s been going on with me.

The Daily Prompt of ‘Torn’ is quite fitting.

The very nice psychologist came to the following conclusions about me:

  1. I have severe social anxiety
  2. I have a sensory disorder (I get overloaded by certain things I see, hear or feel)
  3. I have Alexithymia(I have difficulty inexperiencing, expressing and describing my emotions and how I feel)

So, not only am I torn about how I feel but also my mind is torn three different and separate ways. And now I have to work out how to deal with each of them.

This is pretty spot on right now…

It’s bad, isn’t it, that my whole life I’ve never fitted in and now the same’s true for my diagnosis? I was frustrated, angry, disappointed and cried a hell of a lot. That’s because I know how to do this and do it well. And this rings true…

I was told a few days ago that I was an ‘interesting case’ and that I was ‘definitely special and fabulous’. Lovely, but seeing as compliments freak me out and make me awkward, it wasn’t great.

I have a full report basically telling me I’m very anxious. Which I knew.

The cause? For those who know me, you’ll already know this…My Dad. This surprises me not. That’s a WHOLE different blogpost for when I’m less seethingly angry at him. Or when it’s simmering. I write better when there’s simmering.

For now, I’ll continue to be torn between the diagnosis I got today and what I’ve been told in the past, and try to find my way to self-help.

❤️❤️❤️

If anyone has any hints or tips on dealing with the above, that would be awesome.

My true calling

If you can’t tell, I’m embracing the Daily Prompts these days. It lets you be so creative & explore new avenues of thought previously unknown. I love reading everyone else’s too! So, here’s my go at ‘Daily Prompt: Calling’

I sit alone awake at night & think of all the times,

My mind has been all a-flutter, a-whizz with lots of rhymes.

Sometimes my thoughts become too much floating in my head,

So I write them down or tap them out before I go to bed.

I feel like poetry is my calling & really helps me breathe,

But most of the time it lurks below the surface, safe & underneath.

Until a time when I let it out & it shows what it can do,

I get out my phone or my notepad & let the creativity sneak right through.

My true calling channels my emotions & helps me feel at ease,

It calms me & my fretting down so that no one ever sees.

What a swan-like person I really am with my faffing feet,

Hiding my anxious mind from most people that I meet.

Big thank you for reading & please post a link to your prompts below. I’d love to see your interpretation! ❤️ (Beautiful image from here)

The moral compass

The arrow flies around it’s circumference looking for a secure place,

It doesn’t know where to begin, nor which way it should face.

The decorative arrow spins & the whirring cogs turn,

But still it’s confused & still doesn’t learn.

You throw the contraption around with no real thought,

Instead of looking at your morality & what you’ve been taught.

With your mixed up virtues, values & vice,

You’re not that bothered who ends up paying the price.

And still your moral compass has no direction,

You treat it with so much disregard & no real affection.

Just like the people who exist in your life,

You stab them in the back with your sharpest, most hurtful knife.

If you carry on like this, you realise your compass will leave?

Is this what you were ultimately hoping to achieve?

For now, appreciate your compass & everything you’ve got,

Before one day, you wake up & you’ve lost the lot.

The Daily Prompt- Compass

Poem: There’s nothing like a Legend

‘There’s nothing like a legend to turn your life around,

They help you live the life you want & help you stand your ground.

They shower you with so much love & bucket loads of affection,

The times they’ve been your shining knight, far more than you can mention.

They’re nothing like the films, the plays, and books or on TV,

There’s so much more to them than that, so much everyone else can’t see.

They might not ride around on horses or appear in a puff of a cloud,

Instead they’re disguised as normal people, extraordinary & making you proud.

Legends are supposed to be mythical but real life ones are right there,

Just to give you the whole world & show you that they care.’

Dedicated to a real life legends & altogether amazing people who help me so much. And to one in particular who saves me everyday ❤️

Daily Prompt – Legend